the living spark;

bring it on, baby!

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 07:43:36 GMT

new year's eve can be summarized in one word - awesome.

it was a totally new experience at long bar, really worth the money and time. it was so festive (actually only towards the end), albeit a little boring at some moments, but having quality time spent with my family... i could never ask for more. met the teo family and soon after cousins came over. my favourite parts were the peanut throwing (omg we totally slamdunked SOMEONE haha) and the countdown - although a little rushed and short, but still it was something new. hopefully next year i'll be there with my loved ones (friends, i mean); you guys will love it there(:

xxx

anyway, yes the year 2009's over.

this year was indescribable. of course it definitely wasnt a bed of roses, but its those very times when i felt so down that i realised how beautiful the world is and the people that have always been so supportive. 205ers, 304ers, batchmates, new lovely friends that i made everywhere(taiwan,USA).. thank you all for making my 2009 so special. not perfect, but all the more it seemed perfect with the little imperfections pieced together. and to everyone who impacted so much on my life, cared for me, bothered to lend a listening ear and shoulder when i needed one, those who stood by my side and supported me endlessly, giving me the strength to move on and pull myself out of turmoil even at the lowest of the lowest moments.. i cant thank you more than enough. <3

2009 really cant be summarized into just a few points, but even as i step into a new year with everyone else, this very special and happening year will be kept close to heart, always.

so here's wishing everyone out there, a lovely, brilliant and happy new year(:

with truckloads of love.

sugar, spice, and everything nice,

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 08:49:08 GMT

past few days have been super fun-filled i've got nothing to say(: although they werent meant for christmas, but its these gatherings that made my christmas one of a kind.

anyway..

23rd - CIP.
2-6pm of shelving books which was freaking tiring but at least i had my siblings' company. met shannon and jolene after that to pass them presents from USA(:

24th - get-together/project meeting with IH sia group.
finally saw beishi peizhen and hsiaofong whom i'd never seen for almost 2 months. 3 for beishi. although our meeting wasnt quite productive and we were quite at a loss, it didnt matter cos everyone was in a festive mood(: swooned over little things like the winnie the pooh-s in peizhen's cosy bedroom and laughed like how we always do.

25th - christmas<3: gathering @ uncle's house.
the year passed so fast.. it felt like last year's christmas party was just yesterday, really. but being reunited with my whole family felt good, and albeit the noises of mahjong cards banging together were more than familiar. one new revelation i made, though- i never knew i had so many nieces and nephews already haha. everyone seems to have grown up so rapidly.. unbelievably fast. quirky. although such a gettogether wasnt anything special especially cos its been a traditional thing for years, a little something always seem to change each year, and it was close to heart(:

26th - christmas party at my house!
the lovelies jane jerlyn and wanqi came over(: really wanted to cass to come but she couldnt make it.. anyway, talked and laughed and lamed like how we did in primary school and never did in secondary school. was saying how carefree we feel whenever we're together, because we've grown up together and werent afraid to reveal our differences/true personality. this gathering and the long talk i had with cass (till 2am the night before, haha) really made me realise how much i miss my primary school, although it doesnt seem of paramount signifcance up to this date. but i really wished i was there at the latest gathering, where they bowled and had fun like anything. i really miss the times we savoured our laksas at the same time fought for the winner of the crying competition, the times jane teased everyone and kept throwing my things around (lol), the times jer cass and i kept singing and singing till others felt annoyed haha. primary school life.. seemed so far, but i would give anything to get back to that moment in time<3

anyway, 4 of us played mahjong (lol) and kept teasing jerlyn about how slow and blurr she was (like always). it was really fun.. great catching up time yeah. we must have more of these in times to come.(:

27th - CL sia group/gathering!
yes CL sia the big headache posed to everyone. but anyhow we somehow managed to merge fun and headaches together haha. we were squeezing our brain juice for that stupid report. didnt know how to help though; pretty much meizhen was doing the work with ziwei coming out with cheemology and jacinta and i standing at the side rooting for them>< but camwhored at the end, and pigged in between. (they said my house is filled with food hahaha). had great fun really(: love to be with the cuties hahahaha.

28th - frolic and fun on the 28th with minqhee and claire<3
yessssssssss my two lovelies<3 had so much fun and bonded together quite a lot! laughed over ridiculous things and kept camwhoring and camwhoring; really, living with minqhee is equivalent to living with a photobooth that perpetually forces people to take photos hahaha. but it was fun, alright. stopped over at somerset and window shopped in New Look which had awesome bags and hats. but you know as kids we couldnt afford haha so they just tried on for fun and off we went to kfc to grab lunch!

lunch was crazy, met with a lot of spooky people (or was it just one). but claire and i laughed our heads off (like literally) after that happened. aint gonna mention it anyway. people were literally staring at every move we made when we stepped into KFC. super scary. then, we headed to cineleisure to watch sherlock holmes(: the movie was darn good; recommend every soul in this world to watch. oh and did i mention, orchard is really a place that brings people together - i saw andrea from rosyth together with her friend from 606 last time, saw janessa weiqi and igen saw me there. its so coincidental, haha. anyway after the movie we went into the neoprint shop for some naughty business; bloghopped boothhopped to take photos which didnt need a cent haha. left the neoprint shop sheepishly and went to buy friendship bracelets replacing the thought of friendship bangles cos we couldnt find any. stopped by a few more shops before going to the mrt.

next stop was B&J's at cityhall! once again tasted the one and only cookies and cream which felt so good<3 walked and talked and camwhored somemore. and finally it reached the time when they came over to my house(: had dinner and camwhored and watched music videos. and i must mention

this song is really good(: and like minqhee said, truly displays what three of us hold(: and im sure there'll be more to come. love yesterday; it was REALLY good. we must must must do this again<3

xxx

all photos are uploaded on facebook!(:

and so that leaves me with today. want to catch up on homework and people that.. i've missed. <3
choir tomorrow, and then movie outing with leting & wenjing(:

well, thats how i spent my christmas.
how did you spend yours?

everything not,

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 05:29:46 GMT

today, i woke up and felt..

terribly empty.

i will just leave it at that.

USA'09 <3

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 11:34:22 GMT

got back from the states two days ago.. touched down at an unearthly hour of 2am and totally didnt sleep a wink till like 6am. body clock's screwed eh.

anyway USA was realllyyyyyyy good. it has been magical! and i must place a huge emphasis on that. the place's actually.. pretty normal. in fact not really impressive, to me, compared to london. but although i like london better, i feel something's really amiss when im back in singapore this year. although its just sightseeing, shopping, sleeping in the bus, and more shopping, at least i "made new friends" as quoted from someone(:

probably its the laughing gas that had always been full tank and always leaked out by my sister, the company of 25 other people who were once strangers but became friends, or the dining table of 10 people who kept laughing on the last day.. maybe with the exception of a very funny man, haha. and of course, the weather, the exuberant sense of excitement in a newly rented car with an inexperienced-experienced driver: my dad. oh and most of all, my family bonded through the various squabbles over who to bathe first and the laughing marathons sparked off by my sister over trivial matters (but nevertheless it went on) (: now we cant help but always reminscince about the trip.

oh and did i mention? shannon yeo, i made a friend called shannon teo. haha.

i miss the daily routine of waking up at 6am, getting shaken awake by my mom for the first few days and concurrently waking up on my own (how unbelievable). las vegas and hollywood in LA were really awesome. the shopping was quite repetitive but bought much nonetheless. (: the luxor hotel in las vegas was pyramid-shaped, and had a lift that moved sideways haha. and on that same night when we first checked into the hotel, our tour bus broke down 2 times - the first in the middle of the road which caused major traffic jams and created a huge commotion, and the second in the middle of a railway but thank God we sloped backwards.

anyhow, this trip had been one of the very best<3

there are many many other photos uploaded on facebook, which i took a hell load of time to upload. (:

anyway, its back to reality now. the 2 projects and work): at least christmas and new year's coming, together with the various gatherings thats coming my way.. at least thats something i can look forward to! oh and of course a new chatting buddy to chat with , too.(haha)

alright shall go take a nap now.

just maybe.

/edit: IGNATIUS TEO YOUR NAME'S UP HERE THIS IS FOR YOU. happy?(:

so yesterday,

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:55:22 GMT

yes it just seemed like yesterday when we were all ready and set to head to taiwan..

and exactly 3 weeks later, i'll be at changi airport yet once again.
but it'll be a different destination this time:

USA; 5-18dec
<3

gonna miss many here; take care okay all of you! will be thinking of you (you all know who this "you" refer to), but will be kept busy thinking about what to get for yall.

till then, happy holidays!

home sweet home,

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:31:00 GMT

taiwan was splendid, it was REALLY awesome. i cant believe 16 days just zoomed pass like this.. it was all too sudden, but very meaningful.

im so glad that i didnt pull myself out of taiwan gcp, and that i lugged jolene and shannon to linlaoshi to appeal for this module. i will never ever forget the day we first saw taiwan - our eyes filled with nothing but curiosity the night we first went to a 夜市, the first time we tried tasting smelly tofu, the first time we squeezed ourselves onto a queen size bed.. and so much more.

i cant possibly spill each and every event that happened during the trip.. but the most memorable ones were the days spent at fudan (<3), every night spent in the hotel with my awesome (until cannot be more awesome anymore) room buddies, laming with 黑猫, singing ktv with BUS A during our bus rides, just fooling around with shannon jolene leting tessa tzehui chenxi alyssa during various outings, SHOPPING! and of course, chatting about anything with rebekah.<3

the trip was really an eye opener for me; the moment i stepped into fudan high school, a sudden revelation dawned on me that our treatment towards the taiwan people who came over this year was really incomparable to the way they treated us. they made us seem as if we were gods.. they made us feel so at home, it was as if we knew each other for years. although we were speaking in a very foreign language to me called chinese, it still was quite manageable communicating.. simply because it was very comfortable being in their presence(: and they just seem so appalled by the way we speak english.. the way we admire them for their chinese speaking skills.

either way, the exchange programme was never a regret.. although we fretted abit on the second day when some of the buddies brought some of us out while the poor group of us had to stay on our own. (: for the later part of the trip, it was kind of a mish mash of lessons + fun (shopping) + visiting museums and famous places.

i reallyyyyyy miss taiwan now.. actually, more of the company. i'll never forget the way we goofed around, the way shannon burped every meal, the way 黑猫so gross-ly pounced on shannon 2 times, the way jolene farts non-stop and her classic antics, the way leting wriggles and kicks her ass off during frantic and vigorous tickling sessions conducting by shannon and jolene, the way chenxi treated our hotel as if it was our home and "took care" of us her baby chicks, the way 小张哥lugged cardboard boxes filled with water just for us and his fatherly acts, tessa's and tzehui's funny jokes and vibrating laughs...

there's simply too much to name.

so all i wanna say is, thank you all, for giving me such a wonderful and unforgettable 16 days. <3

on hiatus;

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:10:31 GMT

taiwan: 14 - 29 nov
choir camp: 30 nov - 2 dec

yeah well the something that everyone has been longing for is just tomorrow. but you know, im really glad(: excitement's already setting in..! will try my best to post when i come back from taiwan, but maybe that'll be too rushed because i've gotta go through the gruelling process of packing (again) for camp the very next day..

but to all else who will stay, take care <3

(you can see 3 little shadows below the space between the words "coffee" and "bean"
ziweiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii i realised that im gonna miss you:( TAKE CARE BLACK WOMAN<3

just keep going;

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:36:09 GMT

leting says that i use my blog as an outlet to vent all my negative emotions, so i shall prove it wrong to her(:

choir's been a roller coaster ride today; ms lim screaming and suddenly becoming so angelic like 变脸魔术, its freaky. but i guess pia-ing with sop2s the whole way set free many revelations..

today its the first time i saw the light in their eyes, the way they sung, the way they said "yes, okay" in conviction whenever some last minute changes were made. though many other things contradict their behaviour and their seemingly positive attitudes towards choir..

i believe in them, that they'll one day rise up and prove themselves worth.

im not saying it for the sake of saying it, or to put myself in self-denial, because that will be very pointless. i think deep down inside, there's this wavering hope for us. 3 of us, as helpless as we may be, surely will find that flickering hope somewhere within us, too. we'll break free from the title of "rotten eggs"! :)

there's some hope left; all we gotta do is KEEP THE FAITH and work hard. <3

today's tuesday, the 10th of november. its hard to accept the fact that the taiwan trip is in like, FOUR days time. :O
surprisingly my heart plummets twice as fast in my ribcage whenever my mind drifts off to that thought. im really excited, yay yay:) just got down to begin gathering my stuff together.. and boy i think my luggage's gonna BURST. and my luggage's orange (shannon get jealous :D ), but i dont really care if im going to be a laughing stock, because its TAIWAN yaye. but i guess what makes it the most exciting's the company, as always(:

okay gotta settle some choir stuff. i promise that i'll post before i head to taiwan.
ciao!

peculiar, but.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:48:04 GMT

intially i came to lj with a blank mind, but after the usual routine of blogsurfing and checking out live feeds on facebook.. i suddenly felt the urge to come post this.

sometimes i would just stare and re-stare at things, be it animated or not, and just keep thinking. hell knows what goes on in my head, but i know it never stops. repetitive or newly/freshly created, both applies at different times.

and sometimes my own thoughts will put me into a frenzy of confusion. and these thoughts are usually not of paramount significance. its stupid, the way how my mind works.

but anyway, i've actually realised.. counting 3 years back since i've first stepped into nanyang, i havent actually proved what im worthy of. its all always giving in, sometimes if im fortunate taking something else back. not that im saying this is bad, but it aint too good either. i look at others and then myself; why put myself in such a spot? most of the time people usually just claim their finish line at a point where they would only care about themselves and maybe sometimes extend that care out to people they love, but its different for me.

im probably not making sense, huh.
its just.. some thoughts i felt like i needed to take off my chest.

when you feel like it,

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:27:23 GMT

parents overseas, maid gone.

cant help but feel the emptiness set in.. i will undeniably miss the latter : her frequent suggestions and comments on my dresscodes, always being there for me when im home, her thoughtful actions and so on. ):

so many things going on simultaneously.. i think its hard to accept.

anyway,dont forget the lyrics rocked despite the technical difficulties.. all thanks to sheryin and youming for the awesome ppt they made. <3 really, nothing beats doing crazy stuff with batch'07. heart was palpitating so hard when the slide just refused to show on the screen and thank God for Mr Mark Shone who lent us his mac (albeit a little difficult to handle), and we scraped our way through. hahaha at least we completed 10 rounds.

now the rain's pouring heartlessly, like how you do.

well, i dont really know what to say. sometimes i feel that there's no point. i dont know if its.. plain ignorance or just your own callousness. it feels really bad, trying to help but in the end getting shunned away or not taken into consideration. i may not be up to standard, but i dont think you need to direct everything just to her, when im just in front of you? i dont need recognition or credit, really. just acknowledgement of my presence, that's all.

and. to another you, its kinda sad how thats this invisible barrier between us two even when we seem so close. so close yet so far; have you heard of this? sometimes i really think that you accept it just for the sake of us, and not from the bottom of your heart. i dont want things to be so superficial.. im really tired of it, even though you may not be. i wonder how you can keep it within so well; as if it doesnt really matter to you. but you know, i can sense it. i really thought things turned for the better, but i realised there are so many things that she and she know and i dont. i dont like another person to be our bridge of communication. is it really so difficult to converse with me? i dont get it, i really dont.

做什么也没用；算了，放弃吧。

"let this be our prayer, when you lose your way",

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:55:55 GMT

choir on friday.

all i can say is, we must NOT lose hope. the road ahead does seem bleak, but, we'll find our way. hopefully. or rather, we MUST. its tough, being the one in front DEMANDING, not fulfilling. its tough, being the one unsatisfied and picky. its tough, being the "perfectionist" of a section. looking at their faces.. i had a glimpse of that wavering hope, and ultimately we have to make that hope waver no more.. somehow. as much as i want all of us to improve.. i feel really helpless. i cannot put across my message effectively.. it feels really lousy not knowing what to do, when all i wish for is for them to understand and do it. and whats more.. my voice's deteoriating too. i dont even know how to help myself, let alone help others.. sigh. im counting on the vocal training this coming tuesday; counting on you, ly.

anyway, weekend's gonna be quite fulfilling. ran today and had piano lessons.. tomorrow's going to be frolic and fun with potato and piglet, hee. and after that SHOPPING SPREE which i've waited since forever(: probably going out with mq and claire on wednesday once again to orchard and hopefully some time with that stupid ziwei HAHA.(but definitely not the art museum k) and the next thing that comes to my mind will be the TAIWAN TRIP woohoo. (: nov's smelling DELICIOUS.

and oh yes! congratulations to 205'09 for making it into dramafest(: actually, i've always known; the 205 spirit lives on for every batch. like how 205'08 succeeded, 205'09 too. i guess there'll be some kind of resemblence between every batch? i really miss those times when all we had on the topmost of our minds was drama.. how we kept fretting over costumes and stage directions, how we put in so much effort, going all out for the last project we had together as a class. those times.. they're really irreplaceable.

xxx

next week.. the last week of our sec3 life. mixed feelings; i cant really imagine being a sec4. im not sure i want 304's first year together to end.. because it just all means that we'll be seperating again. this time next year. oh well. acceptance's really essential in life.

i think this post contains really drastic mood changes.. just like me. but whatever, i'm going to make this holiday a really enjoyable and memorable one. im setting my heart on it. (:

<3.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:10:04 GMT

i cant believe the sec 4s are leaving.. its been 3 years, since we've been together.

all i can really say is, i'm going to miss them a whole lot. so many things that we've gone through together these 3 years.. all of it cannot be expressed in words. time really flies.. the first thing you remember was stepping into m301 for the first time and then staring at the seniors in awe, and the next moment you are the seniors that juniors look up to (hopefully).

these 3 years felt like magic.

if only they could stay and never leave..

seniors, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. for all that you've done for choir, for your heart to sing, for your heart to teach, for your heart to care, and for your heart to love.

although this may seem the end, it never really is.. because we'll always be incomplete without you<3

just a quick update..

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:05:49 GMT

an overview of what happened since tuesday...

tuesday
went home to rest after lunch with shannon and jolene.

wednesday
205 chalet(: it was awesome! first destination was escape; although many rides were closed and all we had around us were 3 thrilling rides, it was enough. the company made everything better than it seems! rode the viking three times, and my crazy antics acted up again. junqi was laughing at me the whole way, especially when the ship was zooming down. i didnt really open my eyes lol, i only could remember myself screaming like there was no tomorrow.

rode the car-car thing (what is the name again?) and went for lunch, then checked into the chalet. compared to last year's, this one's a milloon times better(: affordable yet comfortable and satisfying. yes we owe jolene one; she had discount for almost everything we had to pay for hehe.

went back to escape to ride WET AND WILD. it was really wet and wild, i must admit. but at least i didnt get as soaked as the rest did cos i always conquered the front seat. im amazed that i didnt lose my voice after screaming like almost the whole ride. and the 15 m drop wasnt as scary as it seemed before, the first time when i witnessed people just dropping down from the 15m height. but yeah it was really fun:D

after spending a whale of time at escape, we met wanglaoshi and the rest @ pastamania in ehub(: dinner was goodddddddd.

more pictures up on fb! after dinner we went to watch my sister's keeper at 9.40pm.. which i think was a letdown, although it was quite touching at some parts. its kinda sad, i was really looking forward to it): then hitched a ride home from shannon's dad with junqi yuka and jolene. reached home at 12+ to 1 am. :)

thursday
was supposed to meet jolene and shannon at 8, but didnt in the end cos of some complications, heh. so in the end, i met junqi at amk and we went to vivo to get shannon's present(: WHICH IS SO AWESOME! the yellow mickey mouse hoodie is super niceee. and they had the other colour combinations in fox; yes fox's the best place to get clothes(: yay. then junqi went home and i met with the rest. actually the main point of going out that day was to get shannon's present, which im really proud of(:

friday
bbq at shannon's house/shannon's birthday party! food was super delicious there was almost like a visible queue from the bbq pit. and the cake was really delicious too, thanks shannon(: had great fun with the same people once again! eating and talking, laughing over nothings; we spent the night away like that. (: oh and surprisingly shannon got an orange bikini, identical to the yellow one she bought for her sister HAHA. sad that she didnt wear it, no but we must believe she will one day! left the place at around 10.30 and went to grab roti prata for supper.

saturday
animato! was great(: and yvonne, you were really good. starred at every pianist in awe from the beginning to the very end; i'll never be able to play the piano as well as them. admirable, really.

well okay, so i guess that's all. cant say that i cant wait for tomorrow, especially since we're getting back papers. buttt there's one thing i really look forward to after 2.30(:

REALLY NEED TO GET CRACKING NOW.

eoy's the force.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:43:02 GMT

intended to be on hiatus on lj and everything else internet-related.. but succumbed to the temptation anyway. only this once..?

eoy's driving all of us mad. everyone seems to be concentrating and focusing more, becoming more work-orientated.. i think it's really intimidating and scary. i really hope that i'll pull through..

sigh. temper's been unconstantly oscillating from good to bad and bad to good nowadays.. i dont know what's wrong. one thing that has really put my mind off things is being with my family, surprisingly. i was looking through my baby photos yesterday, and suddenly all my childhood memories gushed back into my head. hey, im not that deprived after all okay, haha. realised all the painstaking efforts my parents took all these years.. and so much, so much more. it's all really strange as to why i have this sudden revelation only now, at the age of fifteen. oh well.

i should probably just pack my stuff and go to sleep now.

one last shoutout to all you people out there: all the best for eoys! and at times when you're at the verge of breaking, constantly remind yourself that you're not alone. (:

this hurts.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 14:01:07 GMT

this feeling's penetrating my soul, and i cant escape from its clutches.

i cant escape from your clutches.

just a simple word of thanks..

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:07:12 GMT

well, today, what really inspired me to specially come online to post is that mere box in my now- sibling's room, storing all the lovely letters and birthday wishes for my 15th birthday from really awesome people.

i guess we're all too tied up with life at this present moment, sometimes we forget to look back and smile at those wonderful memories people conjured up in our lives.

and so.. i want to express my sincerest gratitude to all out there, who have always cared for me. a sudden revelation dawned on me when i re-read all those letters.. when memories suddenly flow back to me, i realised how stupid i've always been, wallowing in self-pity and lamenting about life when there are so many people.. that i can actually extend all these energy to care for. im probably not making much sense, but yes..

thanks tania for the sweet card in which you collated all 35 205ers' wishes for me. i cant believe time has passed so fast... i can barely even feel the stress and anger/worry i had felt last year. i feel really really blessed to have all you guys as my ex-classmates, people that im increasingly fond of and those that i care so much about. i've never ever regretted being part of 205, and will never ever feel so, like i've always said. the card was really cute, it was in accordance to register order and they left a blank paper for "27" (me) haha.

such a simple card that i came across while dropping all my coins back into my piggy-bank really made my day. i really want to thank all 35 of you, but i guess it'll be impossible now that i'm gonna be late for study session at grace's<3 but really, thanks twofive'08, i love you guys more than anything else in the world, and i promise i will provide spaghetti for yall again, when the year is nearing the end.

and of course, some 304ers that gave me really cute presents and letters, i really appreciate it(: although i havent been exactly connected to this present class and all, i promise i'll make an effort to do so. <3

also, jerlyn and cassandra plus other 601ers... although we havent been in contact as much as we had been in p6, you guys made me who i am on the first day of secondary school and therefore, indirectly causing me to be who i am today. love you guys loads too.

okay im really running late. but i'm really glad i've managed to pen down my thoughts at this very moment.

love to all of you<3

close to heart<3

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:21:41 GMT

NYC handovers 2009

i cant believe how quick time passes.. campaigns and handovers are..

over.

seeing these pictures relive my memories, my wonderful memories with the sec4s. there's so much i want to say to all of you.. but i'll leave it till later.(:

no doubt, the music and admin comms did an excellent job this year. and now..

it's up to us, batch'10.
uncertainties flood our future, but we'll try our best no matter what.

i belong to the best choir ever.<3

NYC FTW.

come what may,

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:52:03 GMT

today's been rather okay.

sitting in front in class for a change is good i guess. it makes me feel intimidated and not fall asleep.

missed guitar today because my body felt so odd; my lips look as if i applied cherry red lipstick on it and too bad, it isnt SWEET but on the contrary, hurts terribly. and my stuffed nose isnt making it any better. went sniffing around in class and finished up my packet of tissue, heh. well.

it's week nine. of term 3. this year is coming to an end, if you look on hindsight. it's scary the way time flies. makes you so dishevelled and lost within. i dont want to let myself down anymore.

"你的华文这么烂，还不要去补习！"

no more such comments. even if she didnt mean it. but i guess she did. i dont know if she knows, but it pierces my heart when she says such things.

sometimes i just cant get face to face with reality.

i spy, with my little eye

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 15:00:30 GMT

feeling deadbeat now, being restless the whole day.

piano/violin lesson then tuition then went straight out to raffles place park just to sit under the scorching sun on a grass patch with millions of other people, anxious to see who won that red volkswagen. we had 1% of winning so i didnt see the point of our presence there. at least spent some quality time with my mom, after all these days when we have been on odds. shopped a little after that and went for dinner and here i am, craving for sleep with a blocked nose.

been trying to find some quiet time to reflect and ponder on what happened this week. it's been a whirlwind; projects, homework, quizzes, choir, campaigns. for some reason, i am behind time for almost everything in class. it's tiring to catch up on things i've missed out so much, and even more difficult to try to excel. nowadays i just feel overly mentally and physically tired i just cannot resist plonking down on bed. and of course i did not manage to wake up early to finish my supposedly incomplete things. i detest this feeling so much.

anyhow, i think i have much to reflect over what happened on friday. its heartwarming to see fellow choristers giving their best up there, convincing the choir to trust their capabilities. i've tried my utmost best, and so i have no regrets. no matter what the outcome is, i have faith in my batch, that we'll succeed in bringing the choir to greater heights. unbreakable; that's what we are.

anyway, happy birthday hsiaofong(: my dear ex-tablemate and funny laughing partner. hope you'll have a wonderful year ahead!

shall switch to mugger mode and have an early night.

(feeling slightly irritated because i lost my favourite pen. >( )

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:37:39 GMT

ms lim's birthday celebration yesterday was somewhat a success(:

felt that sense of pride when she talked to us in a heart-to-heart way.. it made me realise how much of our title we owe to her. dont know why i teared throughout her conversation with us, and during the montage, but i just really felt SO proud that ms lim is nyc's conductor<3 hopefully ms lim liked the sec3's performance and the montage.. and the celebration as a whole. although many things were messed up here and there, and that included my poor 2 big metallic plates of beehoon rotting and stinking up the class that i had to throw it away and waste my maid's efforts): , at least it's all over and ms lim looked really happy. happier than usual, although she doesnt reveal her emotions much.

yay ms lim rocks to the max. <3

well, i'm only able to post a few pictures which dont feature ms lim much (or else she'll kill);

anyway, been feeling rather tired recently. slept sometime during the first two lessons of the day unconsciously and i think it was exceptionally strange how i behaved. but the funny thing was, LA period was movie screening; i fell asleep halfway and when i woke up the first thing i could hear was "so what do you think of the movie?"

wanted to laugh out loud at myself man, hahah and stupid claire practically shouted "you fell asleep again?!" at the top of her voice, when ms teng and ms heng were just merely a metre away.

school felt unbelievably short today, but crap my week's loaded with work. 5 physics ws (omg), SIA blah. shall plan my time properly and make good use of my organiser(: im planning to bid goodbye to late nights and start working on being a morning owl! yay.

okay, gotta get cracking.

in a stance,

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:09:53 GMT

fingers on left hand are really painful, cos of guitar lesson i think. exerted too much force onto the strings it feels like so many cells in my fingers died. so many things happening tomorrow i dont know how to face reality now.

i want to dig a hole and bury myself in it. hibernate till the sun rises.

sadly, its impossible.

got much on my plate now, i dont know where and how to start. hopefully my energy will last through the night and i'll be able to finish the montage oh i want tomorrow to be successful please. absence of sec4s during ms lim's birthday party means a huge loss of direction and security. sad.

been getting pretty annoyed over small little things nowadays; what happened to your tolerance level amanda tan. it feels horrible the way im looking at things in such a deviated way, compared to how i used to.

there's so many things i want to do but my eyes feel socketed and the black eye rings increase in density day by day.

there's nothing i can do, but PRESS ON.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:51:43 GMT

havent posted for what seemed like a long time. been very pressed for time this week.. even now):

anyway, the past week had been a roller coaster ride. positive and negative connotations. today was one of the finest times when i didnt fall asleep on the bus, and had some quiet time for myself. thought a lot, reflected a lot. i think that ever since i was sec3, life became so much harder. it became tougher to fulfil my own demands, and everyone else's. its tiring, really. but once you stop, you have to use twice the energy to start moving again. i dont know if i changed; i used to be easily satisfied with many things and people. but now its a whole new different story. i get pretty easily annoyed if things arent working out, or if people are just... i dont know if its me or the surroundings that had changed. its confusing, really. it probably isnt ideal for me to think of such things when i have such a huge workload weighing down on me, like everyone else, but i really wonder sometimes.

anyway i shall sum up the week in pointers, or else i'll never finish this post.

1) exco interviews on tuesday.
came to me as a very sudden and impromptu thing. which i hope i didnt screw up for. interviews made me realise so much about choir; how much the sec3 batch have to catch up with in order to meet ms lim's standards, how much we have to really improve to be able to continue nyc's legacy.. especially when we're going overseas next year. being a sec3 used to be a dream, but now it's reality i guess we're all quite at a loss. most of us never really thought about how nyc would be when the seniors leave.. no more pillars of strength, but we have to be pillars of strength for our juniors. the future's so uncertain. hopefully our batch will stay united as one, no matter what happens. after all, we're all still choristers. and not just any chorister, but one from nanyang choir.

2) getting back of results.
cant say that im entirely satisfied, because i really should not be. suddenly im unsure about my capabilities. i used to do so much.. better, used to be so much more competent in this area. primary school used to be a living hell, when i had tuiton almost everyday and more than one session on some days. and i lived through it. now.. somehow i lost all motivation and strength to carry on. math used to be my strength, but now it downgraded to.. i dont know what. it's weird getting back papers for the second block tests. cos firstly i missed 3 papers, and i really feel indifferent when i get back the papers and receive my marks. although palpitation of heart still existed before i got back the papers. felt quite emotionless when i get my papers back, but then after a while, i look around and then i looked down at my paper. and suddenly tears start welling up.

if she got A for everything, then why cant i?

it really hurts myself to reveal my marks to others when the others did superbly well.. or at least better. i dont know if i should be satisfied at all, but right now im already starting to undermine my capabilities. "there'll always be a next time" used to be what i thought, but then i thought again. how many next time-s do i need? sigh. i was never confident in physics, but ir eally tried my best this time. of course it didnt turn out very well unlike the others. others cry because they got a pass for it. its a different scenario for me.

3) on a lighter note, ydff yesterday.
too short to be described. the timing was really quite tight, and everyone was all over the place. didnt manage to go to the haunted house, but spent 10 bucks on pretty miscellanous things, like rubber bangles, face paint, hair spray, etc. bubble tea felt refreshing, and i think 205 really did a pretty good job(: a pity i had no money for food, haha. sales at 304's side was better than expected, especially when the end of ydff was nearing everyone just grabbed one. i really think that we need to have more enthusiasm in class things, it'll help to build on our class spirit and bonding and everything on the overall.

red and white cheering session with yvonne tzehui and wenjing, who helped to spice things up a lot. let go of a balloon which represented nyc soaring to greater heights to us. and at that moment, i felt that sense of pride, for having such indescribable batchmates with me. the journey'll be tough, but us going through it together, i'm confident we'll make it a good one. <3

shopping with wenjing for ms lim's presents after that. went round and round in circles from ikea to courts, then to giant and back to ikea. but it was fun though:D

4) you.
used to think that everything was going to turn out alright, but recently that cocoon of protection broke into pieces and that thought flew away in a glimpse. i wonder if you ever notice. its funny how you always cant seem to survive without a certain someone. how much you depend on that person, how much you need that person. it always seems like that person is the only one in your eyes. when you open your mouth, practically the first words would include her name. been trying to understand, putting myself into your shoes and all that but i seriously dont get what youre doing. it gets on my nerves. i wonder what i am to you, what everything else is to you. i've been trying to make that effort but i dont know if its mutual. so you know what? forget it. i've lost all the hope i can possibly have. get someone else as a replacement. faking up a smile beats having to place my feelings at stake.

xxx

each portion displays a different emotion its making me go crazy. i shall just stop here because it's going to be endless.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, HANNAH(:

/edit: zomg i forgot to click "post". this is super late.

Love represented in many ways..

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 13:41:27 GMT

sigh finally i can settle down and post after blocks,

which i cant believe are over.

time flies, really. papers are all filled with uncertainty, but i've already tried my best. for physics, i've got nothing to say but to pray extra hard that.. "we reap what we sow". a pass will do just fine.

anyway, national day celebrations were quite a disappointment, sadly. this year's ndp theme song really fails in lifting spirits up... i feel like an idiot being such an enthusiast to the extreme. but friday was all that i've been looking forward to during block tests. ): i really dont want to get used to it.. but.

apart from all those disappointments, this is SBS man; 304's mascot. deborah, haha. display of obscenity. but not like she isnt obscene anyway.

movie after the celebrations with wenjing and leting spiced the whole week up totally(: the initial plan was CIP with leting, but zomg i cannot believe i made a mistake out of it. so in the end, it's a blessing in disguise.(: watched UP which totally gave me a new insight on cartoons, films that i've always always looked down upon. but UP changed everything(: i cant believe a cartoon made me cry.. i thought that inner childish me vanished long ago. naw the love between ellie and carl and the sweetness and innocence of russell touched my heart. so no, leting, youre not the only who cried(:

and but of course, the company made the movie all the more better. ION orchard was quite impressive, maybe because it reaches out to teenage audiences like us (haha) - artbox and cool shops yay.

xxx

was supposed to go out with 205 people today.. but parents didnt allow -.- so i stayed at home and slept my national day away, sigh. anyway, no amanda i havent forgotten..

happy sweet sixteen, amandy<3
thanks for being there for me, helping me in all sorts of ways for everything. my late night partner on MSN haha! you've been a great senior, from encouraging me and helping me to adapt to NYC when i was sec1, being the greatest co-SL ever and spurring sop2s on in your own ways, to being an amazing and inspirational friend that i can turn to with no worries and hesitation. things would definitely be a whole lot different without you. i guess you've probably gone through alot in your fifteenth year on earth, especially during the last part when everything started crashing on you and there were really many high expectations you thought you wouldnt be able to live up to, but you did(: i just wanna say that i think you really have the capability in exceling whatever you assigned to, so dont doubt yourself okay! limelight, choir, church.. hopefully you've conquered them all. and now piano exam's left. you'll do well, all the best<3 sigh.. it's really quite sad to think that you'll be leaving choir soon): i really really hope things between us wouldnt change that much.. hopefully we'll meet quite often still next year. you'll be one of the people that i'll really miss alot. somehow you've already been a significant part of me.. that i've never questioned and doubted. i'm really glad that i've known you through such an amazing choir, and also that you're part of my memory for the journey with NYC. and i hope the feeling's mutual(: well.. all the best for everything you do, amanda#1. no matter what, i'll always be here for you, okay? i love you, more than words can say. happy birthday!<3

i shall end off with this dedication.. choir's the only thing im looking forward to now.

a twist of fate;

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 07:16:02 GMT

so now im going for blocks.

not a want, but a need. aint sick anymore; recovered too fast... ): ranted to many people; thanks for tolerating but i guess i need to face reality now and start mugging like hell.

i dont know how im going to do it. but i'll try my best. heart's palpitating like mad, think i have anxiety lol. sigh. wish me luck...

私は信じる。

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:30:34 GMT

limelight was like a dream.

it ended on a beautiful note that made all of us cry. 私は信じる。yes, we made it because we all believed.

everything that happened seemed so surreal and unbelievable. from the times when we drilled so much for every song, when we tried to squeeze in time to rehearse the whole programme with ms lim, to yesterday,the moment when we were really onstage, singing to more than a thousand out there in esplanade.

time really flies, and the journey with NYC for yet another batch of sec4s has come to an end. a batch that the sec3s are really close to. tears gushed out at the thought of limelight being our very last concert together; thank you sec4s for the many things you've done for NYC. its you all who encouraged us and supported us, your juniors.

it has been such an arduous journey before 29/07/09 when we finally performed, what with syf, syf showcase and all that. but we pulled through, and gave the audience a huge sense of satisfaction with that tingling feeling yesterday. im really proud of NYC, and of course, our dear Ms Lim.

there are so many things i want to say, but i guess words cant express them all. i will always keep the memories of limelight'09 close to heart; the moment when we were hyperventilating backstage as the audience filled the concert all, the moment when we walked onstage with sheer determination and confidence, the moment when we were all so elated that we pulled through it finally, the moment when all of us sobbed in happiness when the fact that limelight finally ended dawned on us.

thanks to those who came to watch limelight despite the heavy burden of studying for blocks; i really really appreciate it. (: thanks for the flowers and gifts too.

anyway, here are the few photos that were taken yesterday. others are uploaded on facebook(:

up till now, i still have that tingling sensation whenever i think of limelight and NYC. i feel so blessed to be part of nanyang choir, and im sure every other chorister feels the same way too.

long live NYC<3

xxx

down with a high fever, cough and flu now. feel quite terrible and im quite unsure on how to revise and study for blocks, sigh. what a time to be sick. heard that many other choristers are sick too; i guess we all overexerted ourselves in the process of preparation of limelight. but, its all worth it. (: